The Land of Confusion

I feel like I am getting less done from being shut in like this, as might be evident from the (lack of) posts that I have been putting up here.

A Time For Spiritual Growth

The problem is that this is a golden opportunity for doing things like extended water fasts, which would distill my thoughts and bring into focus what is most important, as far as what to devote my energy to.

There are some things that are like master controllers over a lot of little details.

Rather than seek peace of mind through having a bunch of things organized and categorized and "caught up on," it is easier to just go to the top level, which is in the spiritual realm and is above thinking.

How this has become a problem is in the fact that, after having gotten the stimulus check, I was set up to do an extended juice fast, turning into a water-only one, which might have gone for at least a month.

I wouldn't even have had to spend a cent because, apples (my fruit of choice for fasting) started to flow into my life in such abundance that only through an extended juice fast could I have consumed them all; all 700 of them.

But, as I was tossing out a few that had finally began to rot as they sat in storage today, it seemed that they were a symbol of the wasted opportunity for spiritual growth, that could have turned this "time of crisis" into a blessing in disguise.

While the world (literally) outside my door was going crazy.
Many of the residents of Sacred Heart cashed in their stimulus checks for big piles of crack cocaine, and I could hear the screams and the cussing from those who were ripping each other off, left and right.

Not All It's Cracked Up To Be

The crack dealers seized the opportunity to pass off all kinds of chemicals, with maybe a little bit of cocaine, to those whom they knew wouldn't retaliate.
They would just shake their heads, then go to another dealer, because, it is easy come, easy go when you have a stack of 20 dollar bills.
While all this transpired, I could have been sitting on my own pile of money, juicing apples, meditating, doing yoga and disentangling myself from all my addictions, from caffeine to nicotine, alcohol, sugar and maybe even kratom.*

*yikes!!

I had been provided for, in that regard. The apples being symbolic.

But, I have been screwing up, to a degree.

I could certainly afford a lot of 4 dollar bottles of wine, and an 11 dollar packet of nicotine vapes would last me 3 or 4 days and give my lungs a break from tobacco smoke, so I wasn't bringing myself to financial ruin by indulging, but, it seems like if I don't make spiritual progress now, then how am I going to after the world opens up again and it is incumbent upon me to go back out and busk for money?

What a great gift for a friend who might one day busk again,

is this "Pop Rock" fake book that was given to me

by Bobby, along with a shot of 45% pure heroin.

Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and the music of plenty

of other artists who died from heroin overdoses is in it.

God, and his sense of humor, I tell you...

I would see my friend, Bobby, who might be lamenting that he had gone through 200 dollars worth of crack the night before, and had gotten a 30 dollar bottle of whiskey, and he now felt horrible about himself. And I would have to counter with: "Yeah, I got a 4 dollar bottle of wine, got drunk, and wound up eating a whole 8 pack of Pop Tarts -they were on sale for $1.79 at Rouses- and now I feel horrible about myself. The degree doesn't matter.

But, the spiritual growth -putting on an Eckhart Tolle video and meditating upon it, and doing things like sleeping to the 430 hz "sleep music" played on Youtube, designed to do things like attract love, heal sickness, relax the mind and body (and maybe even put you to sleep, if you're lucky) all get put on hold, as soon as I take the first sip of wine. Maybe tomorrow, I will start a fast...

And, then I beat myself up over it, and start to sound like a broken record, with all of the "I need to do this, and start doing that" stuff. Somebody visiting this blog after a couple years away might shake their head and ruminate that "He was talking about doing all that 2 years ago!"

Alcohol

I have been through the phase (which I'm sure the AA people have a catch phrase or a term for) of trying to regulate my drinking, so that I could enjoy it and still remain functional.

I see that Alex in California, whose blog I still look at about once a week is going through the same thing. "I'm going to take a marker and put lines on the big bottle of vodka, marking off every 250 milliliters, and that's all I'm going to drink each day, just to the next line. Then I will put the cap back on the bottle, and that will be that..."

He even does what I used to do and calculate the savings that he will realize. "That way, a 23 dollar bottle will last me 5 days, and that will just 4 dollars and 60 cents a day...and that way I won't wake up parched in the middle of the night, so that will save me money on beverages, too..."

Keeping a big bottle of vodka and meting it out that way is like saying: "I'm just going to keep a half dozen cockroaches in my apartment, kill the rest, but keep these 6 as pets..."

Heroin

My right arm is still sore from where Bobby injected me with the heroin 2 nights ago. He is astounded that I am not knocking on his door asking for more. Maybe if I just get 35 milligrams a night, and never more...

But yet, if he was the only cigarette dealer in the building, I would be showing up at his door wanting to trade my Little Feat CD, or something, for a pack every night.

Bobby stopped by the next day in the late afternoon to check up on me. He had just come out of his nodding slumber. He was worried because he had discovered that the stuff he had was so pure (maybe a whole 45% of actual heroin) that he -a 30 year veteran junkie- had almost overdosed himself off of it. "I scared the shit out of myself," he said. Which makes me so glad that he gave me a "baby dose" fit for a first time user, er, ...adventurer.

But, you give a building full of addicts $1,200 each, and Bedlam ensues.

Even the strongest willed of them all (myself, I like to think) wound up biting into mixed berry flavored toaster pastries, like the world might end that night, so he might as well...

Kratom

So, now I have returned from Rouses with a quart of prune juice, and an energy drink to mix my kratom with, and a gallon of distilled water.

It will be a race against the ravages of spoilage to see if I can stay the course and live off nothing but apple juice for the next 11 days or so.

LSD

Jacob has gotten a hold of some acid, which he has been saving, intending to use it to jam with a couple of his friends, but he mentioned that he was thinking of sharing it with me. It was LSD which opened my mind to the reality that there is a lot more reality than everything we see, feel and hear in this world.

It is probably the reason that I couldn't, in good conscious, pursue any material goals in life.

Otherwise, I might have gotten certified as a Linux administrator and went after a 50 dollar per hour job, and would today be, all set? on Easy Street? happy and fulfilled? unaware of the Grateful Dead's music? dead?

In 9 minutes there will be released a new set of Frank Zappa music on Youtube.

Apparently his estate, spearheaded by Dweezil Zappa is going through the vast vault of reel to reel tapes that are stacked to the ceiling and culling from them, musical gems, that they are putting out, so as to put food in their mouths. Funny how Frank, by making music that was ahead of its time, was providing for his children, now that time is starting to catch up. Kind of like giving them a savings bond with a 40 year maturation date...