If I Can't Stop, I Will Put Myself In Rehab

That's what I told Bobby yesterday over the phone.

He had asked me how I was doing. I told him that, if for any reason, I decided to get drunk that night, I was going to check myself into the rehab place. Because, at that moment, I was planning upon eating a good meal of super-foods and then doing any number of positive things; doing some laundry, fixing the bookshelf, so I can get books off the floor, off the bed, off of everywhere.

I saw a positive path in front of me. The job situation in the country right now, I was seeing as an opportunity to actually get a job somewhere where I would like to work.

The microphone I got for busking still needs to be plugged into a booster. I haven't been able to find a battery operated one. This means I would have to consider bringing a battery with an inverter with me, to plug things into.

Had I known this, I wouldn't have had to get a battery powered amp, I could have plugged a regular one in; like Tanya Huang does. She runs a regular Fishman amp, designed for an indoor studio, through some kind of unit that she can charge up at home which will run the amp for the 8 hours she requires of it.

But, then I would need a trailer to pull all my gear behind my bike. Those are available, but it would be a major inconvenience to get one in and out of the door at the apartment building.

And, then I got a flat tire on the bike, making it the 4th tire in a row that has gone flat on it, the same way -holds air for a couple days; starts to get soft on the third day, and then just deflates in the space of a quarter mile of riding on the 4th day.

I pushed the bike to the nearest store and bought a bottle of wine, which I started sipping as I pushed it home. Then, after I got drunk enough, I wound up calling "the guy" to get a quarter gram of coke, because, I don't know why. Maybe because it is just me; isolated in my apartment, with no other person to have to haggle with over it "your line is bigger!" nor to have to hear bitching had it been weak coke, and a ripoff.

One one hand, everything is improving. I have the guitar method books, and I make progress with them. But every day, after waking up with the best intentions, watching Jeopardy and then getting on the computer to hopefully blog, and practicing exercises out of the books; as the sun starts going down, I crave either a tasty six pack of beer to go with whatever I'm going to eat, or a delicious bottle of red wine. It's the same old thing where, if it is a bottle which is rated 90 points and is on sale for half price, then I would be a fool not to get it. And then, I am being a connoisseur, and not an alcoholic.

The cocaine is just a way to say f** you to the flat tire, and the problems with the musical equipment. 

Right now, there is a thunderstorm raging outside; my phone is beeping with flash flood warnings, and if I want to go to the store for wine, I will need to trudge through it, with an umbrella being almost useless to keep me dry because it is raining sideways and bouncing off the pavement.

Well, here I go...

Maybe I'll get some laundry done tonight, if the power doesn't go out from all the lightning outside. I'm not going to check into a rehab. I learned a long time ago, that if you can't help yourself, someone else will be glad to do it, but that someone will sense weakness in you and become predatory.

"Is your sanity and your whole life not worth $65 a week to you?" they might ask.

"Go to f*** hell, you're just after my money; I'm going to get a bottle of fine tequila and, honest to God, if you try to interfere with me I will try to kill you!" is where that would go.

If you can't help yourself, then you can't help yourself by checking into a rehab. Imagine if they assign me someone to keep tabs on me; to call me up and ask if everything is alright and am I staying sober. Someone I will get to hate in short order and start to lie to. Someone who will drive me to drinking in a hurry...

Maybe tomorrow I will embark upon the 10 day water fast which has never failed to get me over any addiction in the past; like the one I did before quitting for 1,387 days between 2014 and 1,387 days later.

I might just have to get a whole new wheel for that bike; the one in it might have some kind of defect that makes the tubes stretch too much and break..

It is like a hurricane outside; where is my umbrella?