And so, I'm going back in time in my imagination, guided by one of the "self help dialogues" that I use as often as I am sober enough to meditate, and actually "changing" the past, which is one of the stated purposes of that dialogue in particular.
That one is named "The Power of the Past," and kind of guides you through time and space to find something that happened in your history that you would like to change; and then changing it by entering that moment and basically doing something differently. The outcome is once again in your hands and you're not going to blow it this time. You, to the best ability of your creative mind, are in that moment again.
But anyone who has ever said: "I wish I knew then what I know now,: has that wish fulfilled through the application of the "Power of the Past" as you are back in the moment you wish you could change and you even get to say things to the other participants in that awkward and terrible moment.
It is supposed, according to the genius who wrote "Awaken The Genius," that changes you make to the past can have a great effect upon one's present moment.
It is just starting to dawn on me; that I hadn't lasted very long at all in the high paced "field" of computer technology back when I was around 20 years old.
The revelation is that this is not an indictment of me; and my skills with computers and electronics.
It's just that, at age 20, my heart wouldn't let me just work at Wang Labs (which was the third largest computer manufacturer in the world, back then; and still a few years shy of when the fallout from all their ill advised hiring decisions, would come to haunt them.
A 5 Football Field's Length Tombstone
I remember showing up for my first day of work for An Wang.
I had parked my car in the parking area the size of 3 football fields, and was walking towards the building, which was about 5 football fields in length and about one football field wide. It was tall enough, at 4 stories, to cause the sun to set, from my perspective, before I had even gotten within a half football field of it. This was about 5 hours before what the sunset time would have been if there were no Wang Labs building.
So, the sun was going down on me as I headed for my first work day; and on top of that; once the sun was out of my eyes and perhaps helped by the after-image of it, the building resembled to me in just a flash, a 5 football fields in length tombstone, into which I saw carved:
Daniel McKenna
Systems Integration Technician
b. 1962 - d. 2057
It might as well read: "Turned a lot of food into shit, while he lived..."
Fresh out of technical school I had been snapped up by Wang, after a job interview that I had, during which, I was just about free-styling it; and I remember actually coming to comprehend certain things just from having to think for a second of my best bullshit response to the interviewer. Sitting up straight with my Buddy Holly glasses and composing techno poetry; explaining how certain things worked, while at the same time, in the back of my head, thinking: "You know that is probably the concept behind virtual memory; that sounded right..."
Wang Labs had come up with the slogan: "The 'People' Company" for themselves, and one way that they aspired towards that ideal was illustrated by the payroll department.
For one thing, hours worked were logged using an honor system. You logged into the system each week and reported the number of hours you worked. Any time worked exceeding 8 hours on a given day was paid as "time and a half." Any time in excess of 40 hours in a given week also earned overtime pay. You could work up to 12 hours any given day; so it was possible to get 40 hours in with 12 of them having qualified as over time.
Hours worked on Sunday were automatically double pay. And, since the management were all salaried employees, there was almost no chance of any "higher ups" popping in on a Sunday to discover that half of the crew had gotten themselves up early enough to drag themselves in by 5 a.m. and then, after clocking in, had gone right back to sleep. They were everywhere; on desks, on the floor on heavy pieces of cardboard, on motionless conveyor belts; everywhere.
The other half had pooled their double-time pay together to buy an ounce of cocaine; and were very much awake and playing poker.
The time off allowed to employees, fell into categories like "sick" days (3 allowed per quarter; if you didn't use the sick days, you would get a separate check worth the 3 days pay. Then there were plenty of "holidays" -days that you would be compensated for, should you choose to take them off to celebrate; but if you work on them; it's time and a half again. You hadn't really planned to do anything special on Flag Day, anyways; probably...
And everyone was allotted 4 "personal" days per year with the understanding that no questions will be asked about their use; it was none of "The People Company"'s business why you are taking off; that's personal, type of thing...
Well, to keep the story from getting any longer, the idea is that; I have gone back and re-framed my experience with the huge computer company, after realizing that I've been carrying some baggage my whole life related to me seeing myself as having been a failure of sorts (I should still be there snorting cocaine and hoping to pick up either a 9 of spaces or a 4 of spades on my next draw; I mean, who kills a Golden Goose like that? What, so he can hop trains with a guitar on his back?)
Somehow, with this letting go of negative associations I might still have been clinging to; I've changed my perspective from, I was never that good with computers, to, Oh, I was smart enough; that wasn't the problem..the problem was I wanted there to be a whole lot more on that gravestone; "at the end of the day."
GET LANTERN (enter)
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