Sunday, August 17, 2014

Dog Skeezing 101

I might as well make my post about dog skeezing; which is another term pending insertion into the English dictionary which this blog will have been instrumental in bringing about when it happens.
Why are tourists so enchanted by the most common domesticated animal in the world?
Don't worry about it, skeezers:
"Yours is not to wonder why; yours is just to skeeze or die."
Pedestrian Animal
OK. You walk through the French Quarter with a Jack Russell Terrier on a leash.
You know it's a Jack Russell Terrier because knowledgeable, intelligent people who h
ave demonstrated such by dint of their having the resources to come to New Orleans on a vacation have told you so.
You have not had to crack open a book or go to Google or Wikipedia to find out what the hell is at the end of your leash; the knowledge was just handed to you on the street.
How skeezy is that?!?

Knowledge and intelligence is as knowledge and intelligence does...
And, knowledge can be earning power.
You will learn that another common name for the dog is a "rat" terrier.
"Awww!"
You will hear women coo something like "awwwww," as they are asking you if they can pet the thing while in the process of squatting down, preparing to do just that; like a cobra hypnotized by a horn.
The Dog Left Behind
You will hear things like: "This is just like our dog Rex, that is 2,000 miles away right now and which we miss so much that the sight of this dog makes us instantly homesick; and could we please assuage those feelings by giving you 20 dollars for the dog and yourself; so it will be like our little long distance dedication to ol' Rex who is probably laying on our leather couch right now...."

A Dogged Determination
You will hear people express a kind of appreciation for the fact that you are giving the dog a more authentic and satisfying experience as it goes through life literally guarding you against rats at night -very satisfying for the dog at a genetic level; and they will give you money in order to support the whole scene.
Awww!!!
Then, there will be gifts of 2 dollars on average which will come with a simple "Get that dog something to eat..."
The Downside
The downside is that the dog requires basically 24 hours of attention, in one capacity or other.
The dog has to wait outside while you go into the VA for 2 hours to shower and do laundry; or 3 hours while you blog inside the air conditioned library; or the Starbucks...
The dog has to be bathed at least half as frequently as yourself, in order to prove that it is being well taken care of. 
A Special Skeeze
A neglected looking dog would need to have a special skeeze to go along with it, such as "I just found this dog and I am outraged by the condition that someone let it fall into; but as soon as I can, I'm gonna buy some flea soap and some wormer and...."

6 comments:

  1. Dog skeezing will enter the English language just like gas jugging or crack spanging, ancient-sounding neologisms brought to us by the glorious new economy.

    Now that you have the dog, you can stop saying you're a college grad to gain sympathy. It's not a bad ploy, but your spelling, grammar, etc. just don't back it up. Now you can just be a poor ol' redneck with a dog.

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  2. I AM a college grad, weather or not you want to believe it...
    Hey, whatever happened to: "His stuff reads like Mark Twain."?

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  3. Like if Tom Sawyer was 20,000 pages long with 90% of it deserving to be edited out

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  4. And if mark twain didn't believe in spelling or grammar...

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  5. I think you should technically have written "spelling 'nor' grammar" and not "spelling 'or' grammar" because the latter insinuates that the "belief" in only one *or* the other would be a prerequisite to good writing; whereas the two kind of go hand in hand, and so "nor" would be better grammar.
    But, if your defense is "Hey, I just dashed this off and never went back to proofread it," well...newsflash: That is how I write my blog most of the time -no time to look back because Starbucks will be closing in 10 minutes. Hopefully that will give me a bit of leeway in your esteem when you read me;
    But, I am still a long way from the mastery of spelling and grammar as exhibited by such masters as Twain (the steamboat upon which he sailed and then wrote about being docked 100 feet from where I lay my head at night, by the way).
    I am studying his prose, though, such passages as this:

    That book was made
    by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things
    which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth. That is nothing. I
    never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was Aunt
    Polly, or the widow, or maybe Mary.

    In hopes of elevating my writing style...

    You know, I never seen anybody but never complained about my grammar, without it was Alex from California...

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  6. It's just that most of your story is believable but then you plop right into the middle of it that you're a college grad, which is just not believable unless you did some mail order diploma mill sort of thing.

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