Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Cookie Is In The Oven

My Last Night At The Sign Spot?

How will the pigeons get on?

A Unity Apartment Tomorrow?

Travers, my Unity caseworker, showed up at the sign spot, early this (Tuesday) morning, like 2AM; after I had played until about midnight, made about 30 dollars, and had lied down and put my headphones on; on some dry cardboard that I had snagged, to listen to the classical station.

Later that (this) morning; as per his instructions; I was at the Starbucks by 1 PM, and I was taken by a van which had "Unity" decals on its doors; to an office to sign a lot of paperwork and was asked a lot of questions.

First by Anna, the building manager.

Then, by Vallerie, the building director.

"Do you have any savings; any property; any stocks or bonds; or other assets?"

"The cash is all in a Swiss bank account, my real estate holdings are in neutral territories; outside of U.S. jurisdiction, like the villa in the Cayman Islands; and not subject to U.S. tax laws, etc and totally shielded from the awareness of the IRS pursuant to international laws protecting privacy; and it won't even show up on the radar of any of the agencies that Unity is involved with.
Trust me on this one; I had my attorneys do some pretty thorough research, 'cause, frankly, I was concerned myself... So, you can just (*wink*) check off "no" on that one, Val; It won't come back to bite you..."

"Have you ever been evicted for vandalism?"

"I did that portrait of Stalin in fingerpaint on a living room wall once, but was allowed to stay after I wiped it off...that should be in your report..."

Do I understand that, since the building was constructed in the 1920's, there may be lead paint there?

"I think the old lead paint actually tastes BETTER than whatever that bland crap is that they use now (and I know how to peel back the asbestos to get at it; without damaging anything else)...not a problem."

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

"Umm, if this is what I'm thinking you're referring to;  it was a felony but; the charge was eventually reduced to the much lesser degree of: "simple arson."

"Do you have a car, or any pets?"

"Gosh, you haven't seen me riding around the Quarter in my Porche Boxter convertible with my little French Poodle "Licky Poo" in my lap?!? I'm surprised; I'm pretty visible!"

"Have you ever been convicted of manufacturing drugs?"

"No, I haven't even been near a place with the electricity, running water, and proper kind of stove to even think about cooking up my shit!!"

"Have you ever had conflicts with your neighbors?"

"When you crack open a 24 ounce Hurricane and just take a few sips off of it, 'cause you're saving the rest for the morning; then you wake up and there's like LESS THAN HALF A F***ING CAN THERE, THEN, YOU'RE DARNED RIGHT THERE'S GONNA BE A...
Oh...Sorry.... I was just...I was, umm...excuse me; let me calm down for a second..whew! OK, I'm better now. No, ma'am...never a conflict.."

And on and on the questions went.

I kept thinking that one or more of the questions were traps, and that after I gave the wrong answer, Vallerie was going to fold up the folder in front of her; take her reading glasses off and delicately place them upon the closed folder; and then communicate with the security guy through a subtle nod of her head; and my quest for a Unity apartment would have come to a dead end.

But, they assured me that I was already guaranteed a place; they were just deciding which place to place me in.


Vallerie said that tomorrow (Wednesday) I can meet her at the Sacred Heart Apartments and pick from one of two which are ready; and be handed a key and, I may be indoors before the ball in Times Square hits bottom, demarcating the year 2015.

1 comment:

Wheely said...

Well, hey, cool, good luck!