Friday, June 12, 2015

Eating Myself Out

of house and home.

The juicer, is a

$8.95 used
+$5.75 shipping. No tax
item, I just found out, (by Googling "cheap juicer Junior," which was about the best I could supply from memory) and I have, of course, paid $14.99 + tax for one at the Goodwill.
I Could Have Had A Cassette, Too?!?
And if the one listed and ostensibly shown to the right, which is available for $8.95, actually comes with the cassette -also shown-
...."Hello, and thank you for your purchase of a Juiceman Jr. juice extractor! 
Welcome aboard the Juiceman express to better health, more vitality, exuberance and an overall more positive experience of the universe.
You have taken a bold step forward in your quest for exuberance and vitality; and, despite that there ain't no way that a guy on food stamps, for example -we just throw this in as random catharsis- could ever keep himself in fresh produce for a whole month off of the food stamp money; without, perhaps cutting back on the purchase of other various and destructive things; and after he becomes spoiled on fresh juice will no longer enjoy the taste of any of the much more affordable bottled juices on the market, which used to be a blessed relief from more terrible and mucous producing foods; and will become a slave to the Juiceman Jr., and will prostitute himself out in front of produce stores in good time "I just want it for carrots, can buy the carrots for me, that would be fine; you don't even have to hand me any money; just buy me the carrots..."
But, for those of you who can afford a $5 tall glass of grape juice every time the urge strikes; welcome aboard!!!"
I don't have a cassette player. 

Juicing is healthy and damned expensive. 

The Juiceman Jr. juicer was designed, actually, by disgruntled engineers, who had gone through college dreaming of working in the aerospace industry (or something) but who had become abased to the point of engineering juicers; and as a consequence, have "flipped the bird" to those "health freaks" (who just need a good steak with mashed potatoes and a cold ale right from the tap; and to get laid; and they wouldn't have to spend no 
$8.95 on no juicer) by making it so that cleaning the juicer almost requires specially engineered tools to get into all the spots where mango pulp gets into and wants to dry into a crust that may not be possible to remove without cracking the plastic and effectively destroying the juicer, should you leave it in there.

Left: I defend myself on the way back home from the Spanish store down the street each night by picking up a weapon while there.
The weapon can subsequently be juiced and used either topically as a skin balm; or drunk with vodka to, you know, help all your "insides"...

The juicer should be cleaned immediately after its use. This requires a modicum of discipline in the juicer, who may be craving a fresh glass of juice, but knows that he is going to have to work for a good 15 minutes at the sink to clean the thing after drinking it.
The thing is as noisy as a loud vacuum cleaner.
A loud vacuum cleaner which has just sucked up something that won't quite fit through the hole to the bag and is rattling around like the Dickens.
"Rattling around like me now...what the f***!?!
A screaming match between a stubborn piece of carrot and the steel blades is the midrange; and the bass is the vibration of the thing on the counter top which uses the cabinets as a speaker box and really shakes the house at 3 AM, especially.
"Why does he have to friggin' vacuum is rug at 3 AM!?! God, is everyone crazy in this friggin' housing project?!?" -either the guy to the left of me or the one above me.
Well, out of time.
The Reason Why I Haven't Posted As Much Lately
is the new computer room schedule:
Open when I am either asleep or making a made rush to go out and work; closed otherwise.
They should sell pressure washers as a sideline and market them as juicer cleaners.


Alex said...

Throw your fruits and veggies in a Waring Blender, strain the bigger lumps out using a strainer, and you'll get the same result juice with a bit of pulp.

Daniel McKenna said...

Yeah, I was thinking that; if I drink the juice and then save the pulp to use in recipes, then why can't I just kill two birds by just eating the fruit;
the answer seems to be that it would take 20 minutes to chew up 3 pounds of carrots, several apples, cabbage leaves, etc...
I feel generally better, though, even though I have been mixing vodka in with my fresh juice; which adds an element of oxymoron to the whole experience; unfortunately LOL

Daniel McKenna said...

A damned healthy Bloody Mary, indeed!!