I woke up full of regret, it felt like. I was reluctant to open my eyes.
I felt a deep sinking feeling, something I had experienced before.
I had drawn a connection to that, and the sugar that I had been eating over that certain period of time, after I had bought a bag of brown sugar, and then had, like a person going from smoking a little pot on the weekends to overdosing on heroin, started to sprinkle in on my cereal, then in my coffee, and then teaspoon became tablespoons, etc.
That accounted for the physical sense of sugar-level induced mood swings.
This time, it is the corn, I am thinking.
My food money doesn't come until another 27 hours, as I sit here typing, and I have been eating the cheap staples of survival that sit being ignored all month until the money runs out -the bags of rice and beans, the pasta and the canned vegetables.
That kind of food winds up finding its way into the building, and is often thrown on the table in the front lobby. I could basically knock on the door of any other Sacred Heart resident that I talk to, and get a can of corn off of them,
Last night, it was a big pot of popcorn, and then, a can of corn that I just sprinkled salt and pepper on and scarfed down.
I also had a good shot of kratom the night before.
The depressed feeling that I wake up with can be dealt with by deep breathing and focusing upon the gift of alive itself, apart from any thoughts at all.
It is like a psychic bowel movement, getting rid of thoughts that serve no purpose.
So, laying there, I took a few deep breaths and tried to make that moment the only reality I was focused upon.
Lilly had texted me, asking me to tell her when I was available to swim. This relationship is important to me on many levels, and her message had "2d" next to it, reminding me that I had not responded in that long. I know how my own mind works after people don't respond to my messages.
I have to go back and reread the one I sent to make sure I (or auto-word-completion) hadn't insulted them in some way.
The order of the day is to soak my left foot in baking soda, then to take a shower and then go from there.
I felt a deep sinking feeling, something I had experienced before.
I had drawn a connection to that, and the sugar that I had been eating over that certain period of time, after I had bought a bag of brown sugar, and then had, like a person going from smoking a little pot on the weekends to overdosing on heroin, started to sprinkle in on my cereal, then in my coffee, and then teaspoon became tablespoons, etc.
That accounted for the physical sense of sugar-level induced mood swings.
This time, it is the corn, I am thinking.
My food money doesn't come until another 27 hours, as I sit here typing, and I have been eating the cheap staples of survival that sit being ignored all month until the money runs out -the bags of rice and beans, the pasta and the canned vegetables.
That kind of food winds up finding its way into the building, and is often thrown on the table in the front lobby. I could basically knock on the door of any other Sacred Heart resident that I talk to, and get a can of corn off of them,
Last night, it was a big pot of popcorn, and then, a can of corn that I just sprinkled salt and pepper on and scarfed down.
I also had a good shot of kratom the night before.
The depressed feeling that I wake up with can be dealt with by deep breathing and focusing upon the gift of alive itself, apart from any thoughts at all.
It is like a psychic bowel movement, getting rid of thoughts that serve no purpose.
So, laying there, I took a few deep breaths and tried to make that moment the only reality I was focused upon.
Lilly had texted me, asking me to tell her when I was available to swim. This relationship is important to me on many levels, and her message had "2d" next to it, reminding me that I had not responded in that long. I know how my own mind works after people don't respond to my messages.
I have to go back and reread the one I sent to make sure I (or auto-word-completion) hadn't insulted them in some way.
The order of the day is to soak my left foot in baking soda, then to take a shower and then go from there.
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