Chaos Reigns

It's been pretty bizarre how fast time has been going by, lately. I used to think that being up at 5 a.m. would put one in position to have a "live-long" day, and become happier, healthier and wiser, but am now starting to wonder.

I am on yet another intermittent fast, using just juice for a couple days, and then maybe spring water. I'm starting to think that I need to get all food out of the house when doing this, as I have sabotaged the past couple attempts.

During my first attempt, last week, one after the completion of which I planned to convert the extra energy that comes with detoxification into totally cleaning and organizing my place, so that it would become a reflection of my mental state; there came a knock at my door.

It was Jr., asking me if I would store a bunch of food that he had emptied out of his fridge, so he could unplug it and let it defrost for a couple days.

I probably should have declined to help him out that way, saying that I was in the middle of a cleansing fast. But then, one of the ideas of the fast is to gain more self control. Like the alcoholic who can take a job as a bartender after he has conquered his addiction and "recovered," I felt like I could stuff my refrigerator with his food and, despite his saying "Help yourself," would be able to succeed in detoxifying myself.

But that didn't work out to well, as I eventually made some excuse for eating one of his hamburger patties (I didn't want to go out and busk totally famished, for some reason?) and then, having had the fast ruined then became the next excuse for pigging out after coming home from busking pretty drunk off all the drinks that people handed me while I was playing.

So, I'm going to end here, since my mind is in as cluttered a state as my whole apartment. I haven't done a drawing I mean to do, to place in my front window (because I'm wondering if I just want to do that so people outside will see it and say "Wow, he's a pretty good artist," which would be the wrong motivation for doing the thing...or would it?

I don't know because my mind is as cluttered as my whole apartment.

I took the first baby step in the material world by emptying and changing Harold's litter box. So I guess the internal equivalent is that I am doing this one thing, in a sea of unattended wishes, by writing this one blog post. Kind of like dumping out my cat poop onto the page, I guess. But I don't know, I need to get all that Jr food out of me and return to a more ordered existence...