More Questions Than Answers

• 3 Dollar Saturday
• 4 Dollar Sunday
• Monday Off To Soul Search

Sometimes I feel like an idiot for believing in God; that my "fear" of Him has kept me from living my life to the fullest and partaking at the banquet of life more wholeheartedly; and that my belief in Him has me sorting my experience of life in terms of magical events; omens, guardian angels, karma; the power of prayer, etc. and that anything could be any more important than what can be seen heard and felt.

I wish just one good night of sleep could set the world right.

I was playing Sunday night at the Lilly Pad.

I had made only 3 dollars after about a half hour, but it had come from a guy who was very complimentary and encouraging, profusely so.

He basically said that he had stopped because he thought my song was very original and that I was getting into some "very interesting areas," and, to him, that is what makes great music great.

He basically told me that I held the key to success and that what I was doing was better than 100 guys covering some other artists songs. I think he might have been telling me not to give up, even though I was playing on a Sunday night and making only (his) 3 dollars.

So, I got the notion to wonder if I was being tested in some way. Can I endure 3 straight nights of making just 3 dollars each night without losing my cool, becoming angry or resentful, but rather to continuing to play with a smile and love in my heart?

If I passed the test, then perhaps the Great Door would open for me since I had proven myself worthy.

And, of course, I can rest assured in the knowledge that, because nobody was paying attention, I was pushing myself harder and becoming a better musician through it; and certainly; had someone thrown me a huge tip it would have prompted me to leave earlier and I would have been on the trolley with the guy that would shoot me for no apparent reason; rather than on the next one that I would find a quarter laying on the floor of.

What, Now I Gotta Quit Smoking Pot?

So it is good, and part of God's plan; that I only made 3 dollars on a Saturday night.

Or; I'm an idiot for believing in such stuff.

Or, it's the potent pot that I smoked that made me think that way...

This magical notion was confirmed as more than one group of people stopped to listen, shot videos, complimented me and then left without leaving anything in the tip jar.

A monk once told me to come back and talk to him (about whatever pressing matter it was that I thought I needed the advice of a monk about) after I had gotten clean of all drugs; even caffeine. That was about 30 years ago; I haven't been back to the abbey.

But, I suppose, on the bright side, I can go on a fast now that I have $0.00 in my food stamp account; and only 3 of the 7 bucks that I made the whole weekend, out of which I need to buy cat food.


It is Tuesday night and it rained all day. I didn't go out Monday because it had rained into the night.
I am not sure, at this point if going out to make 4 dollars would be a mistake -wear on the strings and harmonica, wasting the time- or if it would be better than not going out and making nothing.

Maybe I should just get out there to take my mind off of the meaning of life; and for whatever might come along