Tuesday, December 18, 2012

One Week Reflections

Nola By The Numbers
$1.71 -the amount of money that I have found laying on the ground since getting off the train one week ago.
$73.00 -Approximate amount made busking in one week (taking Monday night off, to watch football; and Tuesday night off to do stand up comedy)
10 -the number of minutes between arriving in New Orleans and being asked for a cigarette.
$3.37 -the amount spent on cigarettes for the entire week...
$4.34 -amount spent on guitar strings this week.
Free stuff laying around:
A couple of young ladies, who were inside the restaurant which I stood outside of, watching the Patriots game on Sunday night, came out eventually and asked me if I wanted their leftovers.
I had already been fantasizing about mixing my saliva with one of the young ladies; as I watched them in between football plays; so I naturally said "Sure! Thank you so much!"
The leftovers were; about 5 chicken wings in hot sauce with French fries; and 3 containers, each pretty full of soup. One soup was kind of a seafood gumbo; and one was kind of a chicken and rice; and the other one was kind of like a terryake based soup with maybe stuff like water chestnuts in it; all very delicious (and I will post the name of the restaurant; along with a recommendation as soon as I walk past and refresh my memory on what it is).
We Vacate Sign Spot
"Are We Going Across The River?" "Yes, Howard."
Howard and I have abandoned the sign spot; after having our stuff taken from out of the branches of the trees; and because of the general principle of changing ones sleeping spot every once in a while, just as the criminal element is beginning to note a pattern in your comings and goings and to extrapolate where you might be with the laptop that they have seen you using in the library; and the guitar that you carry on your back; and that pocket full of tip money; which New Orleans street performers are renowned for making (the lore probably originated with Tanya and Dorise and their baskets full of money; and then was applied to all of us by association).
I have shown Howard to the "Algiers" spot, which entails a ferry ride across the Mississippi River, in order to access.The ferry is free and runs twice per hour from 6 a.m. until 12:15 a.m.
Howard is up at 6 a.m. and on one of the first ferries, each morning; haven eschewed the library right down the street in favor of the main branch, because the library down the street is so small that Howard could read its entire contents within a month; and also so that he can preserve the rest of his routine, by stopping for coffee and a newspaper -probably at Brothers Market- and at McDonalds; all on the NOLA side of the river.
The spot is yet another Sue, the Colombian Lady discovery, and I think it was where she used to hide from me after we had our various arguments and she decided to deprive me of herself. 
It is a heavily policed area, being right across from the ferry terminal; but the police ride by with their heads craned the other way and never seem to be interested in searching the stand of American Red Cedar trees on the other side of the road. A Sue-quality spot if there ever was one. The terminal can be ducked into in the event of rain, even. She could pick 'em! 
Findings Are In
Last night, on my way to the ferry, after watching Monday Night Football outside the same restaurant; I found a 1.5 liter bottle of Woodbridge chardonnay which had been uncorked, but was hardly touched.
Riding the ferry across the river and sipping off the bottle; I noticed a young man and a young lady, occupying a couple seats not far from me.
When the ferry stopped, they immediately jumped up; with a cigarette box falling onto the deck from the young man as they did; and scurried off of the ferry.
I corked my bottle; stuffed it in my pack; shouldered my pack and my guitar and then picked up the box and found that it was about half full. I set off to find the young man and return his cigarettes to him; that is still my first reaction in a case such as that; despite having lived in New Orleans for a while -I still haven't adopted the prevalent local belief that God blesses one at the expense of another....
The couple was nowhere to be seen.
Death By Choking?
Tonight is, once again Comedy Open Mic Night at The House of Blues.
I can almost picture the skinny comic barring me from performing behind some excuse like: "The comics that are actually buying drinks are the ones who get the chance to go on stage; besides, the manager tells us not to let homeless people in here; it doesn't look good..." or "You need to get some more experience before you come here; all of these comics have been doing it for years..." and the latter would have been of my own doing after I told everyone that I had just decided to try stand up comedy. It was part of my first joke; I couldn't avoid it....
To combat this fear; I made sure that I will be able to afford one lousy drink, by putting aside 27 dollars. I also did my laundry yesterday; all but what I had on my back.
Money Well Spent
I then replaced the 8 gigabyte data storage device, which disappeared from where I buried it, with a 4 gigabyte one, which was on sale for under 7 dollars.
I then bought a couple of stamped envelopes; to send to the jail in Baton Rouge, requesting the check for the balance of my "inmate account," which will enrich me to the tune of 11 dollars and change; when it arrives.
Then, the only thing keeping me in New Orleans will be the pursuit of the power adapter for the Samsung laptop; and the waiting upon the arrival of a Christmas gift which my mom talked about sending to me here.
I investigated the type of prepaid Visa cards which I would need to use to make an on line purchase; and I balked at spending $15.53 in order to wind up with a card which would have 10 dollars in value.
It seems more reasonable to put a lot more money on the thing, even if it is most of what I have, so as to make that fee seem less substantial (than 55%!); and to reduce the amount of cash in my pocket; as long as I get a card that can be used "anywhere."
And, it would be a good practice to pull it out of my pocket under the bright lights in front of The Unique Boutique, in response to a pan-handler and announce loudly, while displaying it: "All my money goes right on this card; as soon as I'm done playing I cash in my change at the store and deposit it in the ATM right outside. That way, I don't have to carry any cash at all!!" ...get used to it, bum; what are you going to do in a few years when we have a cashless society; carry a portable credit card swiper?!?...
Tonights Comedy Routine; should I get the opportunity?

"Well, I've been in New Orleans for a couple weeks now; the people here are generally pretty nice; unless you corner them, I find....yeah...I'm starting to figure out a little bit of how things work here...
The other night, there was this woman sitting on Canal Street in front of the liquor store; and she had just these incredibly large breasts; I'm talking about triple "z" cups; with a low cut shirt and everything. 
So I got a little piece of paper and I wrote "Canal Street Titty Tour" on it and pinned it to my shirt.
Then, I stood at the corner and when the well dressed male tourists came by, I would be like: "Good evening, gentlemen, how are you doing? -and, of course they would answer me very guardedly making sure they still had their wallets- then, I would say something like: Do you like a nice pair of breasts? Sure you do! What red-blooded male doesn't! Well walk right this way; *in a lower voice* Now if you glance over to your left -don't stare, just kinda look over there- Huh, how about those! That's what I'm talking about; yowsa! just look at them babies!"
Then, at the end of the block, I would say: "I hope you enjoyed my Canal Street Titty tour; and if you did; I gladly accept donations! Thank you very much..."
Then, I would grab the next group: "Good evening, sirs. Do like a nice set of breasts? Sure you do; what red-blooded male doesn't...Well, walk right this way; now, if you glance to the right -don't stare, but kinda just look over there...Check it out! Oh, Lord have mercy; can you say "gazongas!" Just look at them yabos; I'll bet death by suffocation doesn't seem as scary anymore, huh?!?"
Then, the next group: "Good evening, gentlemen. Do you like a nice pair of breasts?
Sure you......huh;you don't???
Ah, I see....well...
Do you like a nice penis? Sure you do. What red blooded male doesn't; -or shouldn't!
Well, if you walk right this way; behind this dumpster here....huh, that's what I'm talking about; check out this monster. I'll bet death by choking doesn't seem as scary anymore!"


  1. I guess it's still online somewhere, the thrilling account of a guy named Panther who lived in Hawaii (Oahu) on food stamps, hand-outs, and mainly on stuff people left lying around, like half-finished drinks and meals. He found all kinds of stuff.

    It's funny that you look down on the people who go to "feedings" but you don't mind what's essentially the same thing.

    I think the titty/penis tour routine is really gonna bomb. Honestly, can't you come up with something funny?

  2. I guess you would have to walk around NOLA to appreciate how many hustles are going on and how some chick with a low cut top is an opportunity to make money.


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