Tuesday, August 18, 2015

At The End Of My Rope

Last (Monday) night, I set out on foot with a dollar and 50 cents on me, after a day of juice fasting which had me almost ready to try to play my first night sober in a couple months, now.
I couldn't make it past the Unique Grocery without going in and getting a half pint of Heaven Hill whiskey, half on credit.
I got to the Lilly Pad at 10:30 PM, and played for almost nobody, and made only a dollar.
The scarcity of tourists was equal to nights when it is raining hard, but it wasn't raining.
The whiskey hit me pretty hard after a day of juicing, and an almost full Hand Grenade that I found just sitting there, placed by the devil, didn't help to lift my spirits any.
By 12:30 AM, I had knocked off and was telling people things like: "I'm probably going to hang myself in my apartment," and other encouraging words.
The combination of alcohol and not making any money can wipe out, in one night, any confidence or optimism that I may have started out with.
But, there just weren't people out, and at least I still had money on my food card, which will be my juice and distilled water card the next few days; and had an apartment to go to, where I watched the full series of a TV show called "Louie," which came out on FX.
Tonight, I may try to play sober once again, now that I have no money at all, and have fished the limit of my credit with The Unique Grocery, and will be on my second day of juicing it.
I just need the will power to get over the 3 day "hump" and to the point where I am enjoying my sobriety and the clearer thinking, better memory, and the taking home of almost all that I may make. Along, of course, with the reduction of stress which comes when the monkey is off my back, and I don't feel like I HAVE to play, or I won't get my alcohol fix.
And, I'll be able to read and write and compose music with efficiency.
It's about time.
I haven't slept yet, 12 hours after having arrived home, now.
I watched a movie called "Selma," after watching the TV series.
Both were compelling enough to keep me awake and watching, although some of the humor in "Louie," was a bit crass and seemed intentionally so; in keeping with the current tolerance of people for shock "value."
That's about it; I would post a picture, but this computer doesn't have a mouse attached, and I'm not THAT good with using the hot keys to insert a picture.
Well, time for some apple juice, and maybe a warm bath, and then I might play tonight. Maybe the cosmos will reward me for one day of being sober; like it seems to have done each of the last 5? times that I have managed to do so.

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